Saturday, March 10, 2012

America's Guardian, firing 2-6K Rounds Per Minute.

As Americans we face many enemies, terrorists, communists, liberalists, they all seek to bring down America, but the Guy Manual assures us that we are safe. There is no way that America can truly be harmed by anyone, because we have a weapon, one that will keep every man, woman, and child safe…

And it’s called the M134 Minigun

AKA: Gods motherloving vengeance.

What’s that you say? You say that it’s only a weapon, and if people have a belief, that they will not be cowed by such technology? You’re saying that as long as they stand together under a common cause, people have the strength to topple governments and win wars? That united, the human race can do anything?

Well you’re wrong! And here’s why.

In case you using dialup and were unable to see the video, allow me to explain. That was a minigun in action, firing somewhere between 2 and 6 thousand rounds per minute. It’s firing a 7.62 mm NATO round, which costs around .50 cents, give or take two bucks depending from which black market you buy it from. That means if the minigun fires 4,000 rounds a minute, it amounts to around two thousand dollars for a full minute of pure, unadulterated bloody glory. Sure, that money could go to help things like the poor, lower the National Debt, and feed the hungry, but y’know what, the Guy Manual Speaks clearly.

“Thou shall use all available resources to shoot bigger guns than thy friend.” Resources 3:19

So screw, the hungry, let’s shoot some shit!

Ahh, my testosterone just shot up by 20%, that’s a six pack and half a football game right there.

So there you have it. With the minigun, we can simply drown North Korea in spent casing if we choose. In fact, the Manual offers a suggestion to use the minigun to free the world of terrorists.

“Thou shall strap thy minigun to a flying wagon, and proceed to mow down the douchebags with it.” Directions 23:16-17

The Manual shall not be defied! Strap that bitch to a helicopters and let’s take down Kony. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Excerpts from the Guy Code: With Added Commentary

Excerpts from the Guy Code, with commentary

The guy code is an ancient set of laws that predates even the Guy
Manual. It is hardwired in the brain of every male that walks the
planet, with the same basic foundation for each man, no matter his
race. Certain things have been changed over the course of time. Laws
such as “Don’t steal your bro’s goat” and “Never let your buddy get
drunk and follow a bright star to a manger” have all become obsolete
with the current time. The below list is merely a small excerpt from
the guy code, and is by no means even a fraction of the entirety of
the code.

A guy must jump on a grenade.

It is a matter of life and death. For the survival of your buddy, you
must be prepared to man up and make the ultimate sacrifice. You must
be willing throw aside all hesitation and throw yourself onto the
deadliest of all things that haunt this earth. You must be willing to
go for the ugly friend.

No one wants to do it, but it is your job as a best friend and as a
wingman. When your bro sees a stunning nine, accompanied by a troll
from Lord of the Rings, you have to be willing to go for the troll. As
a guy it is up to you on how to play it, as you are only required to
keep her interested in you while your friend gets ready to ride the big boy coaster. 

*Note: If you get drunk and end up sleeping with the grenade, then
your buddy is forbidden to ridicule you.

All problems may be solved with the phrase “Let’s go to Vegas”

He just went through a bad breakup. His heart has been ripped out,
chewed up, and tossed into a wood chipper. As his friend, you feel for
him, and you’re naturally worried about his wellbeing.
You could do what the chicks do and offer him a tub of ice cream, and
give him a shoulder to cry on. Together, you could work through this
problem and emerge more mature and stronger than ever before…or you
can do the right thing and solve it with a simple phrase, a few
hundred bucks, an amazing weekend, and two dead camels.

By saying “Let’s go to Vegas” you are offering your friend a session
of therapy that is not only cheaper then more conventional means, but
insanely more fun. The two of you (accompanied by any number of other
friends) will jump in the car with only the clothes on your back, and
begin to go through a series of acts of debauchery that would make
Charlie Sheen repent.

Certain Stories are Forbidden

Usually pertaining to the above code, certain stories are never to be
told again. Yes, when your heart broken buddy was wasted and ended up
nude at the poker table offering his first born son for a few chips,
is perfectly fine to be told amongst your friends. When he woke up
butt naked in a cow pasture with a calf licking his junk is also
perfectly fine. 

The stories that are banned are the ones that could
jeopardize the long term relationship he’ll find himself in one day.
These stories usually begin with the phrase “We had a few shots of
tequila” or “It was 3 AM and we were in Mexico.” While these are
usually some of the greatest events in your life, it must be
remembered that these stories would quite possibly torpedo the
relationship your friend is in. That’s why these stories are
forbidden, because no matter how harsh you are on your bro’s
girlfriend, the last thing you want to do is sink their relationship. 

*If your bro's girl is a demonic whore, then it is your duty to sink their relationship like it's the Titanic.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Welcome to The Guy Manual

Ever been confused about a guy? Worried that your boyfriend may be cheating on you? Well you've come to the wrong place if you're looking for answers. The Guy Manual is an ancient text that was started sometime back in Ancient Egypt, but we guys are such horrible procrastinators that for every page of advice and information, there's two hundred and twenty six pages on guns, explosions, hunting, fishing, football, and everything else we're interested in. In these blessed texts you may find an answer or two, but more likely you'll find something pointless and random?

Don't believe me? Here's a picture of a donkey.